"Jesus....just like Lazarus!"

On August 25, 1989 I was two weeks away from six years of being a Christian.  I was also two months away from turning 28 years old.  I think the greatest accomplishment is my life was becoming a Christian.  I've always been authentic with God, He sees all and knows all, I knew I didn't have to pretend or hide from Him.  I have had a struggle in my life with God that had me on a roller coaster with Him.  Sometimes I was what I thought to be a perfect Christian, then sometimes not.  I knew God was always there and we weren't giving up on each other.  

After I put Dustin to sleep I went back to the living room.  Steve and Monie lived in a single wide trailer.  The living room was near the bedroom Dustin was sleeping in.  

Steve, Butch and Paige left to go to the store.  I stayed in the living room talking with Monie.  Steve had a massive collection of classic rock albums.  They were all on the floor lined up in several  rolls against the wall.  I was looking through them. 

After I became a Christian I realized the devil was real.  He was out to kill, steal and destroy me and I didn't take it seriously.  I learned quickly about the classic rock I loved so much since I was a teenager.  Some of the bands were satanic.  I learned how to recognize them. I could see a lot through the album covers.  I had my video camera with me. Since I was teaching teens in Sunday School I thought it would be interesting to video some of the album covers with satanic overtones to show the teens.  Monie watched with amazement. 

Monie's 18 year old daughter came home to get a few things.  We were staying in her room for the weekend. She briefly spoke with us and we told her to be quiet when she went in her room because the baby was asleep. 

She came out a couple of minutes later.  By this time it had been 20 minutes since I put Dustin to sleep.  Steve and Butch had also just came back from the store. 

Monie's daughter came out of the room and asked where the baby was.  

I hurried to the room wondering why she asked that.  I looked on the bed and didn't see Dustin.  The bed looked like it had been neatly made, and that was very strange to me.  I pulled back the throw blanket that I never put over him or around him.  There was Dustin stuck between the bed and the wall.  His feet were down towards the floor.  It looked as though the bed and wall were holding Dustin up at his chest.  His head was slumped over like he was asleep. His body was facing towards the top of the bed.  I quickly picked him up and he didn't move.  I screamed for Butch.....and God.  Butch took him from me and ran to the living room couch. Butch and Steve started CPR.  Paige stood looking at her brother.  Monie called 911. I ran out to the back porch.  

On the porch I looked up to the sky and started making deals with God as I pleaded for my sons life.  I want to be totally authentic here, but I have to follow the Christian rules so I won't be judged.  I promised God if He saved Dustin I would never ***** *** again!! I promised I would be perfect. I promised I would never commit another sin.  I was pleading and crying.  I was full of fear and scared to death.  I thought my deals with God would work, so I walked back in the trailer and they were still doing CPR.  I seen his lips looked blue.  Paige was watching, but I was dealing with God and that was where my mind was.  

I then went out the front door and walked the neighborhood street back and forth in front of the trailer praying and crying to God.  I didn't care who was looking at me.  This time I begged, "Jesus you rose Lazarus from the dead and if Dustin is dead I know You can bring him back.  Please Jesus bring him back.  I know You can.  Please Jesus just like you did with Lazarus.  Please, please God!"  I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

The EMS arrived.  I was still pleading and begging God!  As I walked towards  trailer and the EMS man was walking out with Dustin.  His head was in the palm of his hand and his body laying on his arm while his arms and legs hung down. He looked lifeless.  I turned my head and couldn't look.  

The next thing I knew we were in our car and Steve was driving with Butch up front.  I was in the middle of the back seat.  We followed closely behind the ambulance.  I looked at the back doors and knew my son was in there wondering what was going on. 

I stopped crying and pleading with God and just stared at the ambulance doors. I was quiet and couldn't say a thing.  All I could feel was a terrible awful feeling I cannot describe.  Scared, so scared.  God wasn't even listening to me.  He was punishing me for not obeying all His rules.  It was all my fault.  I was a bad mom.  I was a bad Christian.  I was a bad Sunday School teacher.  I was bad.  I had to be terribly bad for my baby to be dying.......

8-25-89- Orlando, FL & Ila

We started the day out as usual.  I picked Dustin up from his crib, went to the mirror and I kissed and kissed on his checks.  Then again, I pressed my check against him and we just looked in the mirror at each other.  He smiled and I kept saying the I love you words, or course I told him how handsome he was.

We packed the car, Dustin and Paige were in the car seat in front with me, and dad had the back seat to himself.  (I know I know that wasn't safe to have both car seats up front, back in 89 we didn't worry too much of these kinda things.)  We left Guyton, Griffin Lakes, GA and made it to Orlando, FL in 6 hours.

Our first stop was at Uncle James salon that he owned outside of Orlando.  We were so happy to see Ila.  Her Aunt Denise was there too.  A mutual friend of Denise, Sherry was there also.  Everyone gooed over Dustin.  He got lots of hugs and kisses.  Ila was so beautiful, 7 years old.  Uncle James permed her hair and it was perfect!

We went to the back of the salon where there was like a studio apartment.  Ila got to help feed and change Dustin.  He was so bubbly and happy.  We had fun, and Paige did sit back and let Ila play with her baby doll.  Then it was time to get ready to go to Kissimmee and stay with friends, Steve & Monie, that we knew since we lived in Orlando before moving to GA.  We always stayed with them when we went to pick Ila up in the summers.

Uncle James would always buy Ila school clothes when she visited him every summer.  She always got a new hairdo too.  When I lived in Orlando after my separation/divorce from his brother and until I remarried Butch, Uncle James helped me too.  I paid all my bills, he would buy me clothes, and helped co-sign for a car too.  I even got my hair done by him too.

We were getting in the car.  I put Dustin and Paige in their car seats, this time they were in the back and dad was gonna drive.  Ila was getting ready to go with us too and Uncle James said no.  His reason was that it was gonna be his last night, Friday, to see her for basically another year.  Ila wanted to go with us.  Uncle James wouldn't budge.  And I was momma.  The power of Uncle James providing for us, over took me, and I was weak up against what he wanted.  This is complicated to explain with family issues, but the moms who have been up against this understand what I'm about to say.   I guess I had that feeling that I "owed" him and I had to do what he wanted.  I wanted Ila to go with us, Ila was pleading with me to go.  But, he wanted her to stay one more night up against the next year.  Let me make another excuse:  I'm a Libra and we are the scales of justice, balance and fairness.  I felt powerless to do what I wanted with my child, and I wanted her with me too!  I cowered to Uncle James.  Money has power don't it?!!

Ila stood there with her pleading face.  I looked into those "please momma" eyes.  Looking back...for the first 7 years of her life I don't think I made a mistake that would scar her before this moment.  My heart hurt looking into her eyes because I was cowering to the power of money.  In reality, just being momma had more power.  It took a long time and more mistakes to realize the reality of this.  It's like I left her standing there, well I did leave her standing there.  Thinking I made a fair choice for one last night up against another year.  And after all Ila will have her brother all the time once we leave the weekend and head back to GA.  Of course this decision wasn't so bad when I took it all for granted.

I will never forget her look, to this day I can cry over it....and then I make another mistake with her with careless words before the weekend is over....

Telling my story!